A man is in love

My favourite wedding song- A man is in love by The Waterboys

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBua1cHwYtc

Considering the cost of a wedding

Check out the link to an article in the Sydney Morning Herald about the Billions spent in the Wedding Industry

Here comes the bride all dressed in red

Preparing for the Wedding - Looking after the Relationship

Some statistics I read years ago suggested that the beginning of the breakdown in a marriage relationship can often be traced back to the wedding day and also to the time a couple spend preparing for the wedding.

While a couple can be preparing for what to them will be the biggest day of their lives the seeds of resentment can be sown as a couple realise that their expectations may be different. Even couples who have lived together for years can be totally surprised by their partner’s expectations. It is not only each others expectations that they may have to negotiate but expectations of family members and societal expectations whether real or illusionary. There are many decisions to be made about lots and lots of big and little things. Being very open about these expectations and acknowledging differences may be very important before preparations begin so that there are not likely to be any big surprises along the way which may dramatically influence what should be a rich time for a couple.

As a minister acting as the celebrant for a couple I always like to check how a couple are going in their relationship during this time of preparation. I see my role as being a third and independent person that they can talk with either together or individually. I usually encourage them to look after, protect and treasure their relationship during this time and not to let the preparations become bigger and more important than the relationship. Learning to look after the relationship during this time can be very helpful for future days.

A love affair

A love affair

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a man and was very moved by the way his grandchildren spoke so affectionately about him. They described the relationship their grandfather had with their grandmother as a love affair. They had been married 52 years and had ceremonies to renew their vows twice during that time and had planned to have me officiate for another renewal of their vows on their next anniversary. They described their grandparents dancing closely late into the night in a cabin on holiday in Tasmania and sleeping in the same bed, snuggled up, no matter where they were or how small the bed was whether on the Indian Pacific Train or in a bunk bed on an ocean liner. He never wanted to be separate from her even for a night. They described him as a man who lived with passion and instilled in them a passion and adventure for life. He was passionate in his love for his partner and wife, passionate as an artist, passionate about sport, passionate about his friends, passionate about his family. And yet this was a working man, he worked with his hands all his life.

As I listened I thought what an example this man is to his grandchildren, but specifically to his grandsons. What a role model he is to younger men and to all men in society. I marvelled at the way he demonstrated such passionate love and respect for his partner of 52 years. I thought how good is this for men to see this modelled to them and how even better it is for women to be loved so totally as this man loved.

It was a challenge to me. How many of us men view our partners as someone we are having a love affair with? And if we did how would that improve our relationships and the lives of our partners?

Dying to be green | G-Online, the best of green

Dying to be green | G-Online, the best of green:

'via Blog this'

Same Sex Marriage

Check out my page on Same Sex Marriage
for the latest position on Same Sex Marriage
in New South Wales
and the current position
of the Uniting Church in Australia
on Marriage.

Websites for those who want an affair

Driving home the other night I heard an interview on the radio with a man who runs a web based introduction agency dedicated especially to people who want an extra-marital affair. The man who was interviewed asserted that his site had far more people signing up on the Monday following significant days such as Father’s day, Mothers day, Valentine’s day and after Christmas day, than on other days. Significantly more men sign up after Father’s day and significantly more women after Mother’s day and both women and men sign up after Valentine’s day. Yesterday was Father’s day in Australia so I wonder how many men have signed up already today?

Seemingly people sign up if they feel that they have not been validated as a person within one’s relationship or that one’s needs have not been met. The person interviewed argued that having an affair could be good for a relationship as it could meet one’s needs that were not being met within the relationship without expecting too much of a partner, therefore leading to a happier relationship with one’s partner.  The advantage of meeting online (according to the man interviewed) was that one could be assured of maintaining confidentiality as opposed to the riskier venture of pursuing an affair at work or by going out to meet someone at a club etc. I imagine providing such a service could be quite lucrative.

After the interview was over, one of the interviewers became more and more expressive of his disgust for the whole idea. The interviewer felt that such a service only encouraged or made it easier for people to have an affair. The interviewer reckoned that if one was not happy in a relationship one should be honest about it, get out of the relationship and find another.

For me this raised the issues of secrecy and honesty, expectations and needs. I imagine such a service could provide a distraction from the need to feel validated within a relationship but could it provide for the validation that the person sought in the first place? How might a person find a sense of validation of themselves without having to resort to a secretive affair or alternatively by having an open affair? Could we instead seek to create atmospheres within which our relationships could be nurtured: safe atmospheres which allow the ability to be more open and honest about our needs and wants within a relationship? One’s partner may not be able to meet one’s needs and one may come to a place of acceptance of that fact. That place of honesty and openness may instead lead to a sense of validation in other ways, perhaps because one has reached a deeper intimacy with one’s partner and in that intimacy strengthened one’s feelings of validation.