Websites for those who want an affair

Driving home the other night I heard an interview on the radio with a man who runs a web based introduction agency dedicated especially to people who want an extra-marital affair. The man who was interviewed asserted that his site had far more people signing up on the Monday following significant days such as Father’s day, Mothers day, Valentine’s day and after Christmas day, than on other days. Significantly more men sign up after Father’s day and significantly more women after Mother’s day and both women and men sign up after Valentine’s day. Yesterday was Father’s day in Australia so I wonder how many men have signed up already today?

Seemingly people sign up if they feel that they have not been validated as a person within one’s relationship or that one’s needs have not been met. The person interviewed argued that having an affair could be good for a relationship as it could meet one’s needs that were not being met within the relationship without expecting too much of a partner, therefore leading to a happier relationship with one’s partner.  The advantage of meeting online (according to the man interviewed) was that one could be assured of maintaining confidentiality as opposed to the riskier venture of pursuing an affair at work or by going out to meet someone at a club etc. I imagine providing such a service could be quite lucrative.

After the interview was over, one of the interviewers became more and more expressive of his disgust for the whole idea. The interviewer felt that such a service only encouraged or made it easier for people to have an affair. The interviewer reckoned that if one was not happy in a relationship one should be honest about it, get out of the relationship and find another.

For me this raised the issues of secrecy and honesty, expectations and needs. I imagine such a service could provide a distraction from the need to feel validated within a relationship but could it provide for the validation that the person sought in the first place? How might a person find a sense of validation of themselves without having to resort to a secretive affair or alternatively by having an open affair? Could we instead seek to create atmospheres within which our relationships could be nurtured: safe atmospheres which allow the ability to be more open and honest about our needs and wants within a relationship? One’s partner may not be able to meet one’s needs and one may come to a place of acceptance of that fact. That place of honesty and openness may instead lead to a sense of validation in other ways, perhaps because one has reached a deeper intimacy with one’s partner and in that intimacy strengthened one’s feelings of validation.